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hueroconsabor
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Name: Brandon
Country: United States
State: California
Gender: Male
Interests: DM, soc, Chican@ Studies, immigration, Seoul, pleasure, identity politics, caffine, Bowie, Morrissey, Maná, policy, Eddie Izzard, El Salvador, Utada, piercings, sake, inter-ethnic relations, sensuality, You.
Expertise: Social research, determination, taking people out of their comfort zones (especially sexually), dancing in the fast lane, giving people shit, lap dancing, anything else you want me to do.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Research
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/9/2004
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| I'm going to resume carrying around my black notebook. Mentally catelogue-ing my observations is no longer sufficient.
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| I should of just let you keep the image of beauty in your head, rather than doing everything I could to convince you it was just an image. It was beautiful--for you.
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| I do rather love that we all seem to have this teleological expectation for life to progress towards some intangible ideal, whether it be in love, academics, a job, friends, etc. We sustain this perspective despite challenges to it everyday where something doesn't turn out as we envisioned, when a hard-core event inverts our world, when we have so many things and we figure we ought to be happy but feel and recognize in the eyes of other people, the same dull, fleeting expectations and consequent unhappiness.
Perhaps unhappiness is excessive, but at the very leart bored. And we're sad at that fact when we know and see the beauty of life in everything but can't seem to pull ourselves away from the grind that is our lives. Why do we, really, immerse ourselves in and commit to things and people that do not make us happy? Is it obligation? Are we living a vision, a dream of what it once was but no longer is? Do we lack the courage to reinvent something that meant so much to us but we've convinced ourselves it's impossible or unlikely, even if our heart subtly persists every time we fight down the urge?
Life is a rollercoaster without definition and destination. We live and create our own histories each day even if we do feel its weight and/or incapable of change. We have agency. Take a risk. Regardless of the outcome, at least you LIVED.
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| I miss very many things about being in China. Interpret that as you will, from your positionality. I yearn for some reformation of my current life, though I defintely find ways to enjoy it. Strange way to express isn't it?
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| "If I held my breath, you'd be the death of me..."
I have a really bad feeling that too many good people I've encountered in my life could say this to me.
Tonight's mildly one of those soul-searching, self-loathing but yields something positive nights I guess.
Hopefully.
There's a lot of people out there that I reallly love and care about, even if my actions or inaction suggest otherwise. Yeah, it's a two-way street, but I'd rather hold myself accountable to "incentivize" myself to get the ball rolling whether I halted the ball or not.
Until then, work with me, yes? 
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